So I’ve been struggling lately. Things started to get better and then out of no where the crying spells began again. I missed my brother. Everything reminded me of how he wasn’t going to be there. It started with the people I live with. They had all their kids over one weekend and all I could think about was how in this life we’d never all be together again. Then it spiraled down from there. Then Sunday night, I had a dream. Prior to this whenever I had a dream about Josh, I’d wake up and have to convince myself that he was in fact dead. Then the whole grieving process would start again. It was miserable. This time, however, when I talked with him, I knew he was dead. I didn’t want to talk to him about how or why he died but we talked about everything else. I told him how much he is loved and how much he is missed. We talked about heaven and hell are like. It was very interesting and insightful. Then my alarm went off and he was gone. I was heartbroken all over again. I wasn’t done talking with him and it wasn’t like I could pick up the phone and call him. Then the tears began, again. Never having dealt with a loss like this, I wasn’t sure how it was supposed to go. I figured I would always miss him, but I just wanted to know when the bitter, heart wrenching pain would end. I called my sweet boyfriend, just to have someone to talk to about it. He was so comforting and reassuring. Together we came to the following conclusions. My desire to have Josh here is selfish. In the dream Josh was so happy and so at peace. He was finally free of all that earthly pain and misery that had plagued him for so long. How could I desire to take that happiness and peace from him, just so he could be here again? I guess it really is true that misery loves company. This is one of those moments where I have lost the ability to express what is in my heart and in my mind. If you could just take a glimpse inside, it is much more eloquently expressed there. Darrell said something along the lines of “Josh is happy, so why are you so miserable? He doesn’t want you to be miserable. You should be happy for him, he’s happy. He’s got two legs and he’s running around having a good time free from all that crap he had to deal with here. He’s the one that should be sorry that we still have to endure the pains of life.” He’s right. Don’t get me wrong, Darrell and I both love life and have no desire to leave this earth life a minute before we have to, but we both long for home. I guess the point of all this is that I still miss Josh. I still wish he were here with us. My desires aside, I am happy that he is happy. I’m not going to speculate on whether I actually spoke with Josh or if it was just a dream, because it doesn’t matter the lesson is still the same. In the dream Josh told me he had been trying to talk with me for a long time. Josh isn’t gone, he’s still here, in our minds and hearts. So even if I won’t see his face for a while, I hope that I will get to feel his presence. Since that really didn’t conclude things, I guess the final thought is I will be happy because he is happy and I know he’s here and while he won’t be there in person at all those events I want him to be at, I know he’ll be there in our hearts and our minds.